Let me start saying that I've been immersed in books, web pages and a sea of information regarding my blood test results and Immune Disorder. It all leads in that direction and so I'm preparing myself, at least mentally for the journey.
The second opinion comes from a client who is a Doctor, she had told me in the past, every time she saw me sick and after asking me specific questions about symptoms, that my condition looks like an Immune Disorder, like Lupus and she had recommended that I ask my Family Doctor for detailed blood test to rule out that possibility. Thursday we met and she looked at my blood tests and right away found the abnormalities mentioned before, and she even pointed out other problems that I couldn't recognize, of course I'm not a Doctor, and that my Family Doctor did not mention either. My immune system is "depressed" she mentions, and has me take pen and paper and write exactly what she is telling me so I can go back with that information and talk to the doctor. She explains that my white blood cells are very low and that the cells that fight bacteria and viruses are down and adding also that my calcium is low as well, it seems that everything is low, thank goodness for that perky bum, remember? At least that's up.... what a relief!
Now, seriously speaking, I am still working on two other appointments here in Montreal and copies of my blood tests are on the way to two doctors out of the country. Not sure what I'm looking for, I guess I just want to be sure, because in the very back of my head I still have that doubt that I might just be mental.
In the meantime, I am sneezing, bummer!!!!! it is not that bad but I am down a little bit, didn't sleep much last night thinking of so many things, like how am I going to deal with this? Am I going to make it to the end? Should I tell people or not? Which type of food am I going to buy and eat to help my immune system? Am I going to accept the medicines or am I going natural? Oh Gosh! so many things going on my head right now and let's add work and responsibilities to that. I am organizing a Budokon weekend with the Founder and Creator Cameron Shayne here in Montreal at the end of the month and even though I have done this successfully many times before , this time I am struggling a bit, with time management and organization, since at the same time I am dealing with my sickness. I know some people might say, forget about it, do what you can and that's all but that is not the way I do thing, when I commit to doing something I do it properly and I give my very best, this time my very best is a bit less that what people are used to get from me and that might disappoint them, oh well, it is what it is, I am doing my best, as long as I know that then I should be OK, right? As long as I don't disappoint myself!
Next week I am also going to see my friend Antonella who will walk me through some Yoga exercises that will help me. She is my very close friend, I have lots of love and respect for her. Her specialty is Therapeutic Yoga, she has worked with people with cancer and some of the likes and I trust her knowledge.
I have to say that it is a blessing being surrounded by such an amazing entourage, a loving husband that protects me and spoils me rotten, great friends that sincerely love and care for me, mommy and my family that even tough they are far they make themselves present everyday. I can't complain, I am loved and for that I'm grateful! Even though I have isolated myself and kept to myself during all this time, I know that I'm not alone and that I have amazing people around that truly care for me.
The next step for me is to get stable, to bring my immune system as high and strong as possible, to control the Anemia, low calcium and all the likes and once my systems is out of this wackiness then I can start resuming my normal activities, of course I have to be careful, can't be jumping around and depleting my body of energy or abuse in any way, just be more aware and careful. I mean, I don't party, don't drink alcohol regularly, I don't eat crap or unhealthy food but I do love to move! A good day for me would be for example: Early Yoga to start the day, from there drive to BJJ or Taekwondo to work and sweat like there is no tomorrow, go home, eat, take a nap and get ready to teach a 90 min Kickboxing Class in the evening, shower, eat, work on the computer and sleep. That's a regular day for me and I love when days go by like that. In the last year it has been hard to pull this days off, many times I got up kicking ass in my head but my body would not respond and no matter how hard I try it just refuses to go. So, sometimes I beat my self up for not being up to the task, thinking "Moni you're lazy, you are not working out hard enough, you are not dedicating the time it takes to get better at Budokon, Moni your performance has decreased, Moni you are just not good and not deserving of this and that"
Really, I just shut that head in my voice and whoever thinks that it has been easy, that I am not dedicating enough time to my practice or that think that I'm lazy and slacking off, can take the ride to recovering from an Immune Disorder with me. I would trade my place with them and let's see how they handle it! I don't wish this feeling onto anyone. It is hard but as I said before, I'm getting out this one way or another, I already made the decision, and there is no going back!
I have shared this news with very few people and I guess that I can't hide it forever. So today another big thing is get this out there, mostly for my loved people to understand what I am going through, so they know that it is not that I don't want to hang out with them or take the time to be more present. And for the other people to shut up and give me a break while I get my things together. It gets to me sometimes when people send me emails asking: "Why aren't you coming to BJJ?" Why aren't you coming to Karate?", " Where have you been?" "I see that you haven't been practicing, you can't move to the next level like that!"... That's it. I had enough! People give me a break!!!! Really, I can't move to the next level if I'm dead, so chill and let me chill a bit too, alright?
Today Saturday I'm sneezing and feeling like sh*t but I understand is part of the deal, I am not worry anymore thinking "Oh my gosh, again, what the heck, what did I do this time? It is just part of the process and until things get stable I will be sneezing and hurting, not for long, rest assured!
As you can imagine, I haven't add any miles to my running log, I've only been able to pull off Yoga and a bit of gentle Budokon.
I am bit sad because Ethan is gone, he left for a week, he helps a lot when he is around. So I might book a back massage with his partner and show up to Qi Gong next weeks to help my "Qi" flow and restore lost energy and health. I think that's a good idea :-) I feel better just thinking about it! And the next quote fits me nicely:
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me" Ayn Rand
As soon as I have news from the doctors will let you know, stay tuned!
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