Where have you been? Why aren't you writting anymore?... I know it has been a while, things have been hectic and I have been up and down with my health and my spirit. It takes a lot of strength not to feel depressed everytime I get sick. It is a rollercoaster of extreme happiness when I feel great and extreme sadness when I get sick... not fun!
The month of June I didn't get sick during the ovulation period, neither I got sick during my period... awesome, right?... well, I got sick in between :-( for 3 days I was down with the usual "cold", had to stay in bed and couldn't work, really, not fun.
I did however went "activity happy", in the sense that I went running, did Yoga in the park and visited Moksha Yoga a couple of times during the week. All that before I got sick. So we are clear that with my condition, exhausting my energy is not good at all, any stress on my body will put me down, hard to control because I don't want to be crippled at home, I still want to live my life in the most normal way possible. Until I get properly diagnosed and more exhaustive blood tests are done I will be in the limbo guessing what and how to do things so I don't get sick.
I have been feeling a lot of joint pain too, more than ever, of course the rainy, damp temperature doesn't help for the arthritic pain. It takes a toll on my mind too, I feel very sad and depressed sometimes, it is hard to cheer up when things don't look that bright and when I can't move, believe, it kills me!!!
So, in the last two weeks lots of things happened. I got sick twice, I'm just recovering from another 3 day "cold", the pain in my hands, fingers, toes, ankles, neck, the extreme fatigue, lack of appetite and depression are taking the best of me and I'm isolating more and more. Even when I explain to people that I'm sick with a immune condition or something of the like they still don't get it and they just say "Oh, I'm sorry, you will feel better" or they will say "what is that?" frustrating! Really, I don't want people to feel sorry for me and at the same time I don't want to go around explaining why I am wearing a hoodie/long sleeve when it is so sunny but windy outside and everybody is wearing tank tops. People asking: "aren't you hot??? Helloooo... maybe I'm not and that's why I am wearing my long sleeve, really I am even loosing patience. And the worst is yet to come if it keeps going like this.
Last thursday I couldn't work, physically couldn't, I wanted to and was in the car driving to work but couldn't make it there, the sneezes and the pain got the best of me and I had to drive back home (a hard task, I almost called Hubby to get me) and pull a last minute call to my boss who was in total shock that I called about 90 minutes before my class started to tell her that I couldn't work. I was in tears, feeling horrible for having to call my boss, and that was worse than the pain itself. That rarely happens, I am known for NEVER being late and for being one of the most reliable person at work, I felt horrible for not being able to make it, and then reality setting in when I realized that slowly slowly I am retrieving away from what I love doing, this has to stop somehow, I can't go on like this anymore. I am starting to feel sorry for myself, seriously!
Since Thursday I have been sick, sneezes, and pain, a terrible pain that I had to stay in bed, most of the weekend. Today sunday I've been up but high on Tylenon Arthritis, I don't want to take pills, specially the steroids but the pain was bad and I had to control it somehow, tomorrow I work and I hope I will be ok to do it, if I don't make it, I'll be fired pretty soon :-( I know my health is more important but loosing my job or not being able to work will be devastating for my mental health. At least when I teach I get to move a bit and get to share some good times with my much loved class participants.
I feel blessed to have such a wonderful man next to me who cheers me up, who does his very best to help me feel better, who makes the darkest jokes about my health and says that maybe he should start looking for a new wife since it seems that I won't make it far. I know, it sounds horrible but if you met him, you would understand his sense of humour and it actually makes me laughs and a lot!
I haven't write much because it is more of the same, feeling good for 3-4 days, exercise and feeling great, then get sick for 3-4 days, feeling sorry and sad and still covering up my feelings and trying to pull off all my activities and responsibilities. Man, it is hard!!!
Next post, I'll make a list of what I am doing to feel better and to aid my healing process...
Thanks to all of you who took the time to write me a note, call, MB, email and for being concern about my health. Love you xx
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