Happy New Year... in February!

Well, is not too late to wish the world HNY, right? 2015 went so fast, and we are already on month 02 of this new year. Gosh! where is time going?!

Last November, on the 1st to be exact, I decided to make my first batch of soap.

I've always loved natural, organic, home/hand made products and soaps are one of my favs. So, I ventured into "what if I make my own?". And after a few trial and error attempts and a few melt and pour pretty awesome bars, the first cold process batch of soap was whipped and set to harden in my guest room! And let me tell you it came out quite good and I have now many batches under my belt, or should I say, on the guest room table.

I love experimenting and creating new recipes. Shea butter, cocoa butter, olive oil, coconut oil, sweet almond oil, goat's milk, honey, oatmeal, cocoa nibs, Himalayan salt... the list is long, as anything, literally, can be used to make soap, even beer! And that one, is one of my favourite bars of soap.

There no secret to it, mix oils/fats with sodium hydroxide (lye) and boom! you get soap. Add luxurious oils, delicate essential oils and pour into fancy moulds and boom! you get beautiful, delicate, good for your skin soaps.

I have had a few surprises, soap on a stick, false trace, overheated soap, too soft, too hard, sweaty problems... oh my! the list is long too and I love it! Nothing stops me from experimenting, trying, again and again. and coming up with awesome and not so awesome results.

I love having 4-5 bars on soap in my shower, I have to try them all you know! Love giving them to my friends and family for feedback and well... to try you know. Somebody has to...

I'll let you check a few pictures @panelasoaps on Instagram, and in the upcoming days I will write more about my soap endeavours. I may even share a recipe or too.

Stay tuned, more on this soap adventures coming soon.

Talking about LOVE

I am addicted to love!
Voilà ! That's my declaration.

Love has always been intriguing to me. I love deeply,  and I know how love feels like because I love quite a lot, I am used to love, I'm passionate about it, and to me love means the world. Love is everything. I've always been loved, one way or another. By my mom, my friends, my family, by those around me. Even when the vibe turns hostile I can still appreciate that as love.
Love to me goes beyond the typical "I love you", which I must admit I use quite often, and I love (pun intended) to see people's faces when I drop the L word, the thing is, I mean it.

When I talk love with people I know I get the:
-love my mom (I do too)
-love my children (no luck there)
-love my husband/wife (hell yes! I love the man)
-love my pet (aaawww I love my puppies unconditionally)

For me it goes way beyond that, and please correct me if I am wrong, maybe what I am talking about here is not love.

• I love life, passionately and I do not miss a chance to live fully and take chances I would regret not taking and that might not come back. I would do anything and risk it all to live a meaningful life, and I don't mean irresponsibly, I mean, living fully and loving every minute of it. I chase love whenever I feel it!
• I love the people crossing my paths and leaving a mark on me, they are cherished in in heart and never forgotten. If you sparked love in me, then you will always be part of my life, even if you don't know abut it. 
• I love the girl that makes my coffee in the morning, as soon as I walk into that coffee shop, she smiles and by the time I get to the counter, she is already on it. She knows me, lactose-free latte extra hot, she makes hearts with the foam, and she comes around the counter to hug me. I love her!
• I love kisses in any way, shape or form. Kisses make me feel alive, make me vibrate. I just love kisses! I LOVE KISSES!!!
• I love touch, often times I forget most people don't like to be touched,. For me it's a way to connect, to feel, to vibrate. I will touch your arm if I talk to you, I might take your hand, or I will touch your hair. And you bet I will hug you at one point, truth be said, I do it for me, because I need to feel beyond the words. 
• Love is that things that makes everything alright, when I'm pissed beyond my ears and can't see straight, I take myself back to love and everything becomes clear. I can only be responsible for how much I love and how I react when things "fall" out of love. Try it, it works!
• Love is somehow a chemical reaction in my brain and body that leads me to feel full, energized, content, happy, full, dizzy, and all I need is something, someone to spark it, after that's started, no worries man, I'll take it from there! And so I seek that in every interaction I have with the world. I'm all about love. 

Open up to love. Love a bit more and you will be changed forever. No matter what, take it back to love and things will turn around. Love deeply, love harder. Dude, just love!

 "We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving." - Friedrich Nietzsche

2015 New year. New beginning

I couldn't wait for 2014 to end and often said it was the toughest year I've had so far. I was holding onto fear and pain and blaming 2014 for it. 

Truth is, 2014 was a wonderful year, filled with personal growth and some of the biggest learnings of my life. So many things happened and it wasn't life's fault, it was all the result of my actions and I am the only responsible, if not for the outcome, at least for the attitude towards it. 

2014 was the year I took a stand for myself and those I love. I found my voice! And loud and clear I was heard. Big decisions and so many steps forward were taken. As much as I cried, suffered and dwelled in pain, in 2014 I also discovered how strong and unbreakable I am! Just like bamboo, I bend so I don't break.

2014 was kind to show who my true friends are, those that really love me for better or for worse, those that would come from far, and would go above and beyond to show me how much I'm loved and cared for. I always complain that my family and my true friends are far, and that has been a great excuse of why I don't go out as much as I would like to, and why I don't enjoy myself as much I want to, and why I hardly ever accept invitations to do fun stuff with people I know here in Montreal where I've been living for the last 12 years. 
The reality is that I have, here in Montreal a lot (yes lots!) of amazing friends that have become my family. I've created, for myself and for those around me, a huge community of like minded people and I've shared wonderful moments with this amazing community. My Montreal community knows me, loves me and appreciates me and I feel that every single day. I'm not alone here, have never been. I am loved and I love, and that's what it's all about. 

I work for a wonderful company that allows me to grow at my own pace (and my pace is fast!), that hands me the tools to develop myself into the best human being I could possibly be. Where I am not afraid to fall because I know that I have so many people behind me to help me get back on my feet, where no dream is ever too big, where possibility is where we all are,  and where I am treated as a being and not as a number in the payroll. I am given the space to just be and I'm so grateful to have that, it is a blessing! 
I love the people I work with, they have given so much love and support, not just my nearby colleagues but so many people within the company, something so rare to see these days, they are some of the most inspiring people I've met, and I will fight ninja style to protect my team, yes I will! 
And I go to work in sweatpants, leggings and running shoes... WIN WIN WIN

I can only be grateful for 2014 and very little, if anything, to b*tch about!

Thank you 2014 for being amazing, for coming and going, far from smooth, and so full of learnings. In the end, that's life, we either win or we learn, and I'm made for this.

Welcome 2015

The death of Hugo Chavez

Today some people asked me if I was sad for Chavez's death and of course I can't be happy for the death of a human being. However:
Yesterday died the man who divided my country and created an incredible state of hate between Venezuelans. The same man that ordered the firing and killing of many marching venezuelans, they were voicing out their ideas (just for the record, I, Monica Ordaz, was there!). The man that gave so many hate speeches about capitalism and Imperialism, referring to USA (where his family, friends and people from the government love to go to and own properties ). The man who attempted a coup d'etat against another venezuelan president and when he died said: "There will be no national mourning because today died a dictator, a corrupt person" yet for Chavez the country has to stop for seven days and people can not work even if they want to until his mourning is over (Chavez was even more corrupt and his ideals were communists). The same man who built hospitals in other nations, while in Venezuela peope DIE everyday because there is not enough supplies in the hospitals, the man that gave away our oil to his counterparties/take-advantage-puppets in exchange of agreeing with his leftwings ideas, I wonder what Evo Morales, Cristina Kirchner, the Castro brothers and many others oil suckers are gonna do now?! Yesterday died the man that led us to have the highest inflation and shortages we have ever had in the history of Venezuela. Yesterday died the greatest TYRANT in the history of Venezuela. The one who brought the greatest corruption, institutional and social decomposition ever seen throughout our history. Thanks to Chavez and his political practices my family live in a country where people rejoice when they find basic products as milk, flour, chicken, butter, sugar o toilette paper in the supermarket; a country where we have blackouts every day; even when we have The Guri Dam (America's 2nd biggest hydroelectric power station), not to speak about the water rationing. A country where many people have to make lines at the banks just to receive permission from the government to spend our money abroad (and just the amount they think we need); thanks to that man venezuelans live in a country where they are afraid of the army and the police; a country where there is no freedom of expression; venezuelans live in a country where justice doesn't exist, where we have political prisoners, where your life doesn't mean a thing! A country that is not at war with another country but with itself (murder rate of almost 22.000 for 2012 only!)
I'm not happy about his death yet I am not sad. As they say: “every death is respected but not every dead is mourned”
Hopefully, peace will reach my country and my people and may the universe provide strength for what's about to come. Hard times are approaching but I believe the worst is over!

...Back to Life

Hiiiiiiii

I've been away for quite a long time right? Well, I have been busy! That's all... no, really,
I have been hiding.. from I don't know what. Since I started to feel better and since my health situation improved dramatically in the last months I have been away from the blog. Reading my posts brings me back to some memories I would love to forget yet I know how important it is to stay connected to my past yet not attached to it.
In fact, re-reading my posts reminded me how brave I have been all this time and how much I've done to overcome the worst and feel the most stable (physically and mentally).

I've been really careful, I've been eating properly, following my treatment, exercising regularly and keeping my mind and body active and have finally achieved what my doctor called "remission" so I'm extremely happy!
Do I still have pain? Yes, sometimes, no biggie! Do I still get sick, yes sometimes, everybody does! Do I still get frustrated and antsy with it, not at all, now that something big!

I am back to training and not only gentle yoga, now Martial arts are back into my life and I couldn't be happier! I am running as well and man that I am slow! I know I'll get back in shape quite fast though, I am such a sucker for health and exercise, in no time I'll be right on top! watch me!

I am also having so much fun in my life right now, somehow I have learnt to take more time for myself and pause for deep breaths and enjoyment. I have learnt that there is no point in rushing, My life is not a race and most important of all I am not alone in this world! I am surrounded by amazing people that have been strong supporters, people that believe in me and do not doubt my greatness. I have rediscovered old friends, met new friends and have been encouraged by the most unexpected people. And yes, I have an amazing hubby and my so loved family, really, I can not complain, I am surrounded by some of the most amazing inspiring human beings and you all know who you are!

This post is a THANK YOU to the Universe, to the world, to my life, to everyone around me, to my doggies, to my hubby... to everyone and everything really, because when I thought that the world was conspiring against me to make my life miserable I discovered that it was in fact working in my favor to help me realize that everything is just perfect the way it is!

And today I am taking a bold move, inspired by a quote from the lululemon manifesto "do one thing a day that scares you" and inspired by some lovely ladies I spent one afternoon with teaching yoga to cyclists during the ride to conquer cancer. 

I am posting this blog to the world, for everyone to see! I never did for fear of being judged, criticized and ridiculed, well guess what?! I do not care about that, people have the choice to read it or not and I hope it will inspire or help someone out there not feeling great about themselves, health related or not!
And a big thank you to all of those who decided to make an impact in my life without asking for permission, I really appreciate it!

Feel free to send me messages, to correct my spelling and grammar, to ask me questions, anything!

And now before I chicken out LOL, let me go post this somewhere really public, facebook and twitter!!!!

Yoga Homework assignment

So, as part of my Ashtanga Yoga certification I was asked to write about numerous things and one of the questions was What is Yoga? I didn't feel like intellectualizing my answer and instead I decided to let my mind and fingers run loose and this is what came out. I find it funny, hope you find it too.

And, yes, I know I haven't shared much in a while, I will share, when I am ready to :)

WHAT IS YOGA?

In my opinion, Yoga is seen here in the west as a physical practice that can be gentle or more active depending on the style and that a lot of people have come to appreciate for its stress-releasing benefits, especially when united to meditation and other relaxing methods.
People understand that Yoga comes from India and that it is more than Asana (Physical) practice, yet, people choose to take mostly the asana practice and get “fit” through it. Sometimes, people often discover the other side of yoga once they start practicing it but it is not always the case.
Everybody does yoga in one way or another here in the west. Expecting mothers do pre-natal Yoga, the more physically fit do Power Yoga, the stressed out worker does Yin Yoga, there is Yoga Fit, Hot Yoga, Naked Yoga, Yoga Chocolat, Oh my! There is yoga everywhere and for everyone. Is this a good thing, maybe! Is this a bad thing? It all depends. If the practice of any type of Yoga leads to the path of understanding and enlightening in any shape or form, then it should be a good thing. If the practice of Yoga leads to injury, reckless physical practice and non-reversible damage being mental, physical or collective within a community, then we are talking more serious business. And yes, Yoga has become the business of the west. Countless Yoga studios opening in every city, even small ones, Yoga teachers are being certified every year, actually every month if not, everyday! And someone is making money out of it! Is that Yoga? Looks like it is. And don’t take me wrong, I don’t see anything wrong with it, I am not here to judge, I will leave the judging to those who don’t practice yoga.
I have this idea that after many westerners travelled to India to immerse in the art of Yoga and became enlightened and in love with this arts and their teachers, they thought that the message could be carried along and that they could help others achieve what they have achieved with their practice. I am almost sure that none of them thought what it could become, one of the biggest industries in the (fitness) world of today. And of course, we all know that, not all teachers are the same (Thank goodness for that!)
Yoga is seen by some as unattainable postures that only the flexible ones can do, others see yoga as the perfect way to get flexible and get fit. To others Yoga is the perfect time to meet and mingle with friends and get some “me” time. Yoga has become even a look, a style, a fashion statement. For the more “serious” adepts, Yoga is “the practice”, their ritual, and with no doubt I can say that we have all tried Yoga, whether we have stayed in the practice or not, we have all tried one form or another of “Yoga”. I personally love Yoga Nidra, fun stuff, lie down, listen to the words and fall sleep... oh wait! That’s not what Yoga Nidra was supposed to be about, right?...
Yoga has been vandalized, turned into a serious business. Series of postures and sequences have been registered and/or trademarked. Styles have been named and renamed, all with distinctive benefits, Gurus and an immense mass of followers, even a sex scandal!!!.  To the Anusara practitioners, Ashtanga Yogis are rude. To the Bikram practitioners, Hot-Yoga stole their Yoga. To Kundalini Yogis, those who wear black are mental. And do not dare to step foot in a level 2-3 Moksha class filled with dancers, your half-assed attempt to split will be frowned upon, yes I am kidding, and no, I am not.

I think that Yoga could be a vessel to world peace, if only we can accept that as human beings we have the choice. The choice to “choose” our Yoga whatever that means. Even if my Yoga means being respectful, kind and loving towards another human being. Even if my Yoga is just a couple of postures a day and even if someone else’s yoga is being on headstand for hours! Compassion and acceptance, that’s Yoga for me!

Yoga in my world is more than a physical practice, is the way I carry myself, is the way I live my life and the way I do what I do. Through Yoga I have learn that there are no obstacles that you can’t overcome. Patience and perseverance is the key that will open all doors.

I like Ashtanga Yoga. In a quest for finding the roots of the Yoga style that inspired my Budokon practice I found Ashtanga. Little I knew what I was getting into! I find the practice kind and receptive despite the killer postures in the primary series. I have come to love Pranayama and Meditation and they have become part of my daily life, even more than Asana. My life has been changed through the practice. I have become more malleable and open in my heart and mind and through the practice I have overcome some serious obstacles and my health has improved tremendously.
I am grateful for Yoga, whatever Yoga is. And let me share the thought of someone I love dearly, she signs her correspondence with the phrase: “If everyone did Yoga, there would be world peace”. And I couldn’t agree more!

Namaste

A brand new day!

I went training, and I mean real training, yesterday!

Weight lifting with a dear friend who I call P :) I was a bit afraid since it has been a while since I have actually worked out hard and when I did in the past I always got sick the day after, down with the dreaded cold and or sneezing attack, a response from my immune system to the stress of hard training.
I do Yoga, Qigong, etc but haven't done any Martial Arts, Boxing, Running or high impact/strenuous activities in a while, way too long for my liking!!! And since the doctors told me to start building up my movement and to use my good judgement and expertise to re-train myself, I have been doing exactly do silently, methodically and fiercely, like ninjas do! *laughs*

So, yesterday, P and I went to the gym and we did 3 sets of 20 Squats (first two sets was body weight and last set with 10 lb) then we moved into Walking Lunges, 3 sets (I did only one set), Hamstring Curls (Standing and Pronated) 3 sets with enough weight to feel my hams burning!!! Chest Press with 10 lb dumbbells, Bicep Curls with a 15 lb bar (I felt a bit like a wimp, I used to lift double that!) Shoulder Press with 15 lb and finally Crunches and a good stretch session at the end.

It felt good to be back in the gym, and the idea that I will be getting stronger gives me hope that soon, very soon, I'll be back in the ring, boxing my way up and even sooner I will bring my kicks to TKD, my Gi to the tatamis and soon, very soon I'll be choking people out and kicking some real @$$ (I'm watching my language, someone I respect asked me to)... And of course let's not leave Qigong behind which is the power of building and strengthening my Qi, the source of all power!
OK, maybe I won't choke anyone out but it is fun to say it, and we actually practice all sort of chokes in BJJ, so watch it!!!! HA!

So, moving on to what matters, how do I feel today? I am feeling just a bit sore, not enough though, I don't feel like I had a big workout (I know I did) maybe because despite my "thing" I am in great shape, I mean, I still look good if that counts in any way... maybe the cardio will be another story and I will build that up too, so no worries! Now, seriously.
I woke up sneezing this morning and for half a second I was scared. I did my best to relax and do my morning meditation, some sort of ritual I do every morning to control my sneezing, it works, don't ask me to explain, I don't know exactly how it works, but it actually does.
I lay still on my back, something like Savasana, I breathe the best I can, into the Dantien (belly) first (Qigong style) even when my nose is blocked I find my way through it and I breathe in and out through the nose and building up my Qi. Then I direct the breath into my organs, first to the right side (liver) and then to the left (spleen) and I keep alternating the breath between sides feeling the air going to this organs and doing the work (I think of it of a massage to my organs), then I bring the breath to my back (kidneys), feeling the air going right into my back and finally I breathe into the thoracic cage, filling out my lungs, not the belly anymore, I do the breathing for about 5-10 minutes depending on the severity of my morning sneezes. Through this breathing exercises I fill out my body with Qi, with energy, with air, with prana, with strength, with love! call it anything you want! And just so you know, nobody told me to do this, I have learned techniques through my Yoga and Qigong practice that I kind of mixed and this is the result, what matters is that it works for me! I also make sure that I am not cold, ever! I drees well to go to bed, I cover myself very well too, I wear a merino wool undershirt at all times to keep my core warm, wool/warm socks as well, just because as soon as I feel cold, my sneezes go wild!
And Ethan (remember the Chinese doctor?... who is not Chinese) told me to protect myself from the cold since I have a Qi deficiency and I might suffering from a cold liver and/or spleen, so man, I better watch it!

And to complete my day today, I went to Yoga. After my morning sneezing started I did the meditation and even though it worked well I was still sneezing just a bit, so my mind starting racing and I was getting worried, so I gathered all my things and went to Yoga, hot Yoga and had an amazing class, it was a Power Vinyasa Class and that was hard, I was looking for something gentle to help me restore and I found a killer Yoga Class that left me energized and fully awake and... sneezing who???? not me :)
I also had a laser treatment appointment right after Yoga to get rid of unmentionable hair *sush* and right after I taught a class, one of my corporate contracts.
So yes, I had a full day, yet I feel great right now. I can say I had a wonderful day.
I am making big progress and I am proud of myself!

I really hope you had a great day too.

Peace xx

As of today

I am feeling better, almost no pain, still sneezing but if I had to put a number on how I feel today it would be about 6-7 compared to 2-3 some months ago, that in a scale of 1 to10.

I am still taking medications, three pills a day, the doctor said that it is a very small dose and that I should not worry about it. I was also given the green light to excercise again and I am extremely happy about that, imagine my life without movement, oh no! I don't want to go there right now!
I was aked to refrain (actually, I physically couldn't do it anyways) from high impact activities, martial arts (explosive movement) weight liftgting and anything physically demanding that would affect my immune system, anything that would make my body react to the stress from exercising. It has been excruciating, I really love movement, exercise for me is an outlet, is sometimes all I have in a place where no family or dear friends are available, and yes I have some friends here but people are busy and don't take much time to share, so for me excercise is a way to connect with my inner self and with people around me, excercise is what I do, it is a HUGE part of my life, without it I am a  bit lost... but wait, I'm finding myself in the process and there is more to my life than just that, so no worries here, we are cool!

So, last october I was told that I could do some Yoga (not Ashtanga), to keep doing QiGong and to use my good judgement on what I can do on a given day. I can now recognize how I am feeling on certain days and so I choose either to rest or to move, and so far, I am doing between 2 and 4 yoga classes a week, I lift weights once a week (very light and very little) and that's about it.. is a good beginning I think. I am also teaching 6 classes a week and two of them are a bit demanding but I don't do much, is my specialty class, a boxing/kickboxing inspire cardio class and I really don't do much, I mostly explain, cue and motivate, people know exactly what to do and I don't have to do the whole class, I love this class, my favorite, about 40-60 people in class, screaming, jumping, having fun, it gives me lots of good vibes, I am grateful for it.

This coming week (from dec 12th to 18th) I am planning to take 4 yoga classes and lift weights at least once...

Soon I'll be back with updates on my allergy treatment.

Love xx

lululemon Ambassador Summit. Summer 2011

 I was asked to be an ambassador for one of their stores and it has been an amazing thing! I get to spend time with lots people, I teach classes in store, I meet other amazing ambassadors and get to learn about what they do, we go to each other's classes, we organize and participate in awesome events in our city and we meet amazing people that become part of our lives, really, I have made great friends throughout this process and for that I am grateful.

And, to make a long story short, I was invited to the Ambassador Summit 2011 in Vancouver, three days of lululemon culture, development, and fun. It is the way lululemon celebrates how amazing the ambassadors are and how passionate we are about creating strong relationships within our communities and for being role models and a source of inspiration to those in our community. Three days of elevation, inspiration, and relationship building. The most fun three days of my life, a truly elevating experience!
Three days with another 100+ amazing people, we did Yoga with the local stars, we met the master minds behind lululemon, we had access to personal development workshops, we played games, we visited the city, yummy food, a comfy bed to sleep and best of all, we wore Luon all three days!!!
yeah, Luon, one of my favorites fabrics! actually my favorite is Luxtreme.
OK, don't know what that is? check www.lululemon.com this is the gear I wear, the brand I so love and the community I represent. It is more than just clothing, it really is!

Here I am with Chip Wilson, founder of lululemon athletica,fellow ambassador Baskhar and lovely Amanda, store manager from Montreal.

                                  

It has been a while...

Yes! It has been a while since I last wrote a word on this blog. I went through a lot of things, some good, some better, and some even better.

I have to admit that I was feeling a bit defeated and on the low side, so writing was left out, I am usually a positive bright girl, so bringing a dark note into the blog did not appeal to me at all, so I chose to leave it out. At the same time, some dear friends were asking, What happened? How are you doing? You are not writing... And even though not a lot of people know about this blog, some good friends do and they are far away, I can't easily communicate with them and this was a way for them to know about me and how I was dealing with my "thing". I don't know how to explain it but in a certain way, I just didn't feel like sharing any more, basically, I went back into hiding and not telling, like I was doing in the beginning. So, why am I writing again? Because is fun, I like it and you like it too! Also...
This morning I was feeling lost, yes lost! I live such a good blessed life yet I felt that there was something missing, I am missing a vision, a goal. I don't know what to do, where to go, where to start, really, I don't even know what I am talking about but deep inside I know! so, here I am looking for inspiration, a vision, something new and exciting, it might be old and exciting but something to inspire me. A revolution to my world! And maybe if I write about my feelings and my experiences then I might be able to see better the whole picture, to me it is easier to see in paper than to figure it all out in my head.

My last post was July, and I left off on my Budokon training and obtaining my next belt on the art. soon after that I went to Miami to assist my Teacher in a Teacher Training that was held in the headquarters in Miami. It was a good experience, I have been there many times and it was good to see my peers, meet the next generation of teachers and learn from the experience. Budokon Teacher Trainings are intense, rewarding but intense, and even though I did not physically train that much, I was still drained and tired by the end of the weekend and came back to Montreal to being sick like a dog! Really, not fun! And I have been sick, again and again! Sneezes and the whole same old story that you don't want to hear, better yet, that I don't want to hear! But since my last visit to the doctor I have been feeling much much better!!!

I finally got my appointment with the specialist and in a 3 hour appointment I met with three doctors that asked so many questions, that touched every single joint on my body and that seemed interested with my case. I got some more blood work done, they took a good look at my blood tests and I finally got a treatment!!! Yes, I got a treatment and some light into this dark patch that I've been through all this years. Nothing is confirmed, I have yet another appointment in two weeks.
I have been attacked a by an Immune Condition, we all know that, most likely Lupus (not my words, the doctor's), which kind? will know that in the next appointment I hope. The prescription I got is a pill to control Lupus and to be honest, it has helped a lot! I have been basically pain-free lately, the pills take about three months to take full effect but after one month I already feel the difference. My joints are not hurting but I still get the sneezes, and some very bad cases too! In general I feel stronger but my immune system needed this treatment badly and even though I wasn't too happy about medication, I had little options, Alternative Medicine will be good once I am stable, right now I am not, so I have to boost my system and from there we will take it. One day at the time! I like that :-)
I also have hubby up my eyes telling me that I have to eat better, at regular hours, that I need a schedule, that I have to be more careful, that I need more structure in my life, etc, etc, etc... And he is right, it just a pain in the eyes, really! I love him so much and he makes so much sense all the time. I am so lucky to have the best hubby in the world!

I also had some fun this summer too. I was invited to the Lululemon Ambassador Summit 2011, in Vancouver, and that was the coolest experience I've ever had in my life!!!
Vancouver is such a beautiful city and I got to meet the Lululemon Team, the Founder, the CEO, the CFO, best of all, all the other amazing Ambassadors that represent Lululemon in the world and that was really awesome. So cool, that it deserves a post for itself, so look for it! It is coming, with all the details, about Lululemon, Vancouver, the activities, the food, the fun , the shopping, the outcome, pictures, everything. Next post, I promise!!!

And now that my summer is almost over, I am back to work, not that much, just a few extra classes here and there, again, nothing strenuous. I want to have more time for myself, to recover and be back on track as fast as I can. September is a month of reflection for me and then October decisions will arise from the work I am doing now.
This October my mom is coming to visit too... YOOOOPPPPIIIIII!!!!! And she is staying for a month to celebrate my birthday, and to check on me, yes, she is a bit worried with my health situation. Also because I was taken to the hospital by an ambulance last week, and that was not fun, however all that came out of it was positive. I will write a post just for that story too, it was funny... not really, today I laugh but that day I cried my eyes out... and I missed the hunky firemen, wait until you hear about it!

September 25th is the Montreal Marathon, and I was supposed to race, however my health "thingy" didn't allow me to train and prepare for it. At first I was feeling sad because it was a goal and I didn't accomplish it but thinking about it better, I just had to move the dates around and will accomplish that goal at another time. Goals and Visions are not rigid, they move and get molded accordingly and it is obvious that in this case it was just stupid to force the training on me to achieve a goal that could easily be achieved at another time, specially when I am making space for healing and progress in my life. priorities, that's all! So, another race will come soon and so I'll be there with my pink shoes and my best smile!

And finally, I know I can't resume a whole two months in a few words, but at least here we have a new beginning, I am back to writing, I am back to smiling and being open about life!

Posts to come:
1.- Lululemon Ambassador Summit in Vancouver. the experience!
2.- My trip to the ER in an ambulance and missing the Firemen!
3.- My goals for what's left of this year and the next year!

Love xx

What have I been up to?!

Hi there, I know it has been a while.

Things are more or less the same in regards to my health situation, I mean, The "sneezing" is still around and I am managing it well. I still do Therapeutic Yoga once a week, Qigong twice a week, TCM treatments once a week, Chinese Herbs twice a day and well, it all seems to be working. My energy levels are higher, I'm getting to enjoy more the nice weather and even went to the pool with my friend last week.

I am teaching 5 classes a week and so far so good, nothing strenuous or crazy just enough to keep me moving and feeling good, it kills me sometimes when I'm not able to throw flying kicks righ and left... yeah, you know what I mean!

So, really, what have I been up to lately?

I was doing Budokon all weekend, did I ever tell you about Budokon? Noooooo?

Well, Budokon is a fusion of Yoga, Martial Arts and Meditation, created by Kancho Cameron Shayne in 1998, check the web page and you will see how awesome Budokon is!
www.budokon.com
I have been practicing Budokon since June 2008 and I love it!

This past weekend I was testing to achieve my Budokon Purple Belt, I am the first Canadian Woman to achieve that rank and the fourth woman in the world!
Budokon is a fairly new art (a bit more than 10 years) so up to now there are no black belts, only two brown belts and about 8-9 purple belts, many blue belts and some more red belts. The ranking goes like this: White, Red, Blue, Purple, Brown, Black.
Check the web page and you will love what you see, on another post I will tell you my experience with Budokon and how it changed my life.

In the meantime, check out my performance for the Purple Belt Testing

I had to break boards with two different techniques. The First, Superman Punch, one board to break:

Second technique Side Kick, two boards to break:

The testing weekend was exhausting, even though I didn't train much, most of the time I was teaching and coordinating the events, the last day of training was the test and it was exahusting, the next day I was sneezing all day and sooooo tired, at least I understood what was happening to my body and did my best to sleep, eat and rest!

Overall, I am managing my situation really well, and the weather here is helping a lot, it is nice and sunny out there and when the heats kicks in nothing hurts, my bones feel good :-) and I don't get sick as often. And of course, since I am not training/working as much, my immune system is taking a break and my energy reserves are not depleted anymore.
I will keep you updated and know that so far, I'm looking tanned and healthy and best of all: I am feeling much better!!! That's all that matters!

Next post, I'll tell you all about the trip... that's exciting news!!!! Hint: BC...

Love & Light,
Mo

I'm going on a trip :-)

Yes I am going to Vancouver!!!!
A beautiful gift I received today... I'll tell you about it! Tomorrow :-)

What I am doing to aid my healing process

Despite the fact that I am not feeling very good, let me tell you that the battle is on!

I know that I should work on mental toughness more than anything else because on that side I am crumbling big time, I get depressed and the pressure builds on mentally when I get sick, it is tough and I am yet to learn how to control my emotions in order to make my battle against this shit more effective. Getting depressed and the whole crying thing is a huge emotional stress on my body and it only helps me feel worse.
And some people might say, well if you know it doesn't help why do you cry and get sad? Well, it is not that easy to control, the mental game is tough specially when you know you are sick, not sure what exactly your condition is, waiting for a doctor to give you an appointment in this "developed country" with social medical insurance, receiving a call from the doctor saying that he is full and that he can't take anymore patients and from another doctor saying that the sooner he can see you is end of August, while in the meantime I am suffering, physically suffering, so it is not only the mental battle against this condition, it is also physical pain which makes things much harder. Also know that I have not been taking any pills or medicines, I have been toughing up the pain, up until today that I had to take the Tylenol arthritis because Hubby though that I should keep the pain at bay and having that much pain can't not be good for anyone, so I did swallow the pill!

I have been doing Therapeutic Yoga with my dear friend Antonella, I love the Yoga with her, I really feel better after the work we do, physically and mentally better. She is such a breeze of fresh air, so natural, honest, tough and soft at the same time. She knows me well and she knows where to touch me and how to get me to soften up on my hard spots and to toughen up on my soft ones. I love my sessions with Antonella! Gracias amiga, si estas leyendo estas lineas, eres la mejor xx

I am working towards having a more regular schedule, sleeping better and more, eating the proper foods and having a regular schedule without skipping meals and taking all the "chucherias" out, also big changes are coming up for me, regulating my stress is key and I know what has to be done, I have a plan, we'll talk about it next week.

I have also been taking Traditional Chinese Medicine treatments, you already know that. I feel that they do help and a lot and it is my relief right now. Thank goodness for Ethan and the lovely friend that took me there. Weird but as soon as I enter Ethan's office everything calms down, I feel calm, and instantly better, the energy in that place is so strong, almost tangible, even hubby who came with me to the office last week felt it.

Tui-Na, Herbs, Acupuncture and... Qigong. Aha! I started doing Qigong and I think I like it.

I've taken two different approaches.
One: I signed up for a beginners class, 12 weeks, twice a week, one day is practicing a form, some sort of kata that helps create, direct and manage energy along the organs and the body, with a student of Ethan, it shows that she is advanced in the Qigong practice, the second day is more theory with the man himself (Ethan), he explains the whole Meridian system, the path of the energy and we deepen the practice of the form we learn with the lovely lady. I like Qigong, I can actually feel the energy in my body and I do have a lot of energy, it is just that I don't know how to manage it or how to redirect it into the paths so it runs smoothly... or something like that, I'm just learning :-)
Two: I took a private Qigong lesson with Ethan, it was awesome!!!! I actually love it, it was different from what we do in the beginners class but nevertheless very helpful and he gave me a booklet to read and practice the exercises at home which I did already, pretty cool!

On my first qigong practice I felt very weird, kind of frisky, aroused, hot, sexy.. now, don't laugh, I did feel some sort of sexy energy waking up inside me and when the teacher asked how did we feel, of course I didn't talk but when I got home and told hubby, imagine! he was totally happy about it and he recommends that I do it more often LOL
Explaining the whole story to Ethan was funny and I was a bit embarrassed but he said that's so normal and that a lot of emotions will come out during the practice until I learn to balance and control it all.

And what am I going to do with the Doctor situation? I am going home, yes home to Margarita Island to get all tests done there and get a diagnosis from a doctor. It will cost money, specially the ticket to fly there and probably the same amount to pay for a private consultation here but down the line, I will be going home where my mom and my grandmother will be taking care of me, I will be surrounded by my family, close to the beach and the sun, you know, in my environment, my island, home!!!! And, the best of all, I don't need an appointment to go the doctor, I will show up and he will see me, and I can go to any laboratory and ask for any blood tests to be done, pay for it and then take all that to the best Rheumatologist in the Island and get down to business, no bureaucracy, no bullshit, no collapsed systems, no busy doctors trying to brush me off telling me I am not sick... suckers!!! *I'm giving you the finger* aaaahhhh that feels good... hahahahaha
Well, I have to be careful down there, violence is a concern and the political situation in my country is a bit rocky right now, so I might find a diagnosis, even get cured yet get killed in the process, I might be exaggerating but there is a lot of reality in my statement.

Tomorrow I have to work, teach a Martial Endurance Class, lots of cardio, jumping, cardio drills...hhhmmm... let's see how that goes. Hope I can make it in one piece and later in the afternoon my Qigong class :-) just thinking about it helps me feel good.

I'll keep in touch more often, writing helps. Nighty night xx

no news, good news... not really!

Where have you been? Why aren't you writting anymore?... I know it has been a while, things have been hectic and I have been up and down with my health and my spirit. It takes a lot of strength not to feel depressed everytime I get sick. It is a rollercoaster of extreme happiness when I feel great and extreme sadness when I get sick... not fun!

The month of June I didn't get sick during the ovulation period, neither I got sick during my period... awesome, right?... well, I got sick in between :-( for 3 days I was down with the usual "cold", had to stay in bed and couldn't work, really, not fun.

I did however went "activity happy", in the sense that I went running, did Yoga in the park and visited Moksha Yoga a couple of times during the week. All that before I got sick. So we are clear that with my condition, exhausting my energy is not good at all, any stress on my body will put me down, hard to control because I don't want to be crippled at home, I still want to live my life in the most normal way possible. Until I get properly diagnosed and more exhaustive blood tests are done I will be in the limbo guessing what and how to do things so I don't get sick.

I have been feeling a lot of joint pain too, more than ever, of course the rainy, damp temperature doesn't help for the arthritic pain. It takes a toll on my mind too, I feel very sad and depressed sometimes, it is hard to cheer up when things don't look that bright and when I can't move, believe, it kills me!!!

So, in the last two weeks lots of things happened. I got sick twice, I'm just recovering from another 3 day "cold", the pain in my hands, fingers, toes, ankles, neck, the extreme fatigue, lack of appetite and depression are taking the best of me and I'm isolating more and more. Even when I explain to people that I'm sick with a immune condition or something of the like they still don't get it and they just say "Oh, I'm sorry, you will feel better" or they will say "what is that?" frustrating! Really, I don't want people to feel sorry for me and at the same time I don't want to go around explaining why I am wearing a hoodie/long sleeve when it is so sunny but windy outside and everybody is wearing tank tops. People asking: "aren't you hot??? Helloooo... maybe I'm not and that's why I am wearing my long sleeve, really I am even loosing patience. And the worst is yet to come if it keeps going like this.

Last thursday I couldn't work, physically couldn't, I wanted to and was in the car driving to work but couldn't make it there, the sneezes and the pain got the best of me and I had to drive back home (a hard task, I almost called Hubby to get me) and pull a last minute call to my boss who was in total shock that I called about 90 minutes before my class started to tell her that I couldn't work. I was in tears, feeling horrible for having to call my boss, and that was worse than the pain itself. That rarely happens, I am known for NEVER being late and for being one of the most reliable person at work, I felt horrible for not being able to make it, and then reality setting in when I realized that slowly slowly I am retrieving away from what I love doing, this has to stop somehow, I can't go on like this anymore. I am starting to feel sorry for myself, seriously!
Since Thursday I have been sick, sneezes, and pain, a terrible pain that I had to stay in bed, most of the weekend. Today sunday I've been up but high on Tylenon Arthritis, I don't want to take pills, specially the steroids but the pain was bad and I had to control it somehow, tomorrow I work and I hope I will be ok to do it, if I don't make it, I'll be fired pretty soon :-( I know my health is more important but loosing my job or not being able to work will be devastating for my mental health. At least when I teach I get to move a bit and get to share some good times with my much loved class participants.

I feel blessed to have such a wonderful man next to me who cheers me up, who does his very best to help me feel better, who makes the darkest jokes about my health and says that maybe he should start looking for a new wife since it seems that I won't make it far. I know, it sounds horrible but if you met him, you would understand his sense of humour and it actually makes me laughs and a lot!

I haven't write much because it is more of the same, feeling good for 3-4 days, exercise and feeling great, then get sick for 3-4 days, feeling sorry and sad and still covering up my feelings and trying to pull off all my activities and responsibilities. Man, it is hard!!!

Next post, I'll make a list of what I am doing to feel better and to aid my healing process...

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write me a note, call, MB, email and for being concern about my health. Love you xx

one step forward, two steps back... some call it dancing!

I am not gone, still here and with a lot of information to share, but first things first. I have to organize it all in my mind before I put it down in words. I am feeling better physically but mentally am still searching for the light and I know it will come, can't see it yet though...
10 days since my last post and I have a lot of things to take off my head... some catching up to do!

Moving on...

Yesterday was a good day, aside from joint pain and fatigue, I managed to enjoy the sunny day.

I started my day with the Chinese Herbs, a hearthy breakfast and organizing the house a bit. Nothing interesting really. I then headed to Moksha Yoga to warm up my body and get some movement into my day, to my surprise, it was an Ashtanga class with an awesome teacher, there is only one Ashtanga Yoga Class at this studio and it happened to be yesterday when I showed up for the first time at that place, how awesome is that?! I was very happy about that; after about 75 minutes I was feeling tired (class is 90 minutes) so I slowed down a bit, nothing to prove, remember? (talking to myself), I was there for fun and to warm up my joints a bit. Then a good shower, a healthy snack and rest before my Kickboxing Class later that evening, I didn't do much, just guiding the crowd through their workout.

It is funny how I feel beaten up after a workout of any nature. It is OK to feel sore a bit the day or two after, but lately whenever I choose to workout, whether it'd be yoga or anything else, the next day I get up like I had done a sick workout and went overboard and the worst thing, is not my muscles, the pain is in my joints, knees, ankles, hips, shoulders, hands and feet (fingers and toes), I am feeling old, very old :-(

Today I am planning to add some movement again into my day, Moksha Yoga or a short run, maybe both, let's see how I feel later, maybe both is a bit too much but today I don't work and pretty much have the whole day to eat well and sleep it off. REST!!!
I haven't run in a little while, and I'm thinking that the Montreal Marathon is looking shady if I keep going like this. I will cross the finish line, rest assured!
http://www.marathondemontreal.com/en/courses/marathon.html

Maybe I should start thinking about my outfit for that day instead of worrying so much about all this pains, I love clothing and shopping, so that's a good way to clear my mind of thoughts... Wait, what about Meditation to clear the mind... hmmm, better than shopping, right?

And well,  don't really need to shop, I will find something really cool in my closet to wear and I'm thinking a nice pair of Lululemon Run:Speed Shorts in Ikat print  and maybe the Running Hat in the same print. That's it, found my outfit!... for now, you will see how I change my mind many times on what to wear and end up wearing classic, black, running tights!

Today is the Montreal Beer Festival and I'll be heading there with hubby later this evening, I don't like beer that much but a good Stout is always welcome :-) the darker the better!

http://festivalmondialbiere.qc.ca/en/festivals/mondial_de_la_biere_montreal_2011/

I am in no mood for alcohol however a nice pint of a nutritious Milk Stout, or a room temperature Chocolate Stout and even an Oatmeal Stout will probably do my system good :-) one of my favorites, made right here in Montreal, McAuslan Brewing's St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout, you can actually go seat at Terrasse St-Ambroise and have a draft pint of their delicious "made-right-there" beers. http://mcauslan.com/
I usually go for the Black and Tan when I want to keep the dark, strong stout flavor but add a hint of one of their delicious beers. Well, I'm now in the mood for it :-)

Stay tuned, more to come, have a great weekend.

Love, xx

A Third Opinion... Tears and Joy

I sent the blood tests results to my mother and to my cousin via Internet along with a list of my symptoms and well you know, the usual story of what's going on with me.
To my mom so she could bring it to her doctor and to a well known Rheumatologist in my island. To my cousin who is a Rheumatologist that lives in Spain.

Mom took the test to our family doctor down there and he agrees that there is enough evidence on the blood tests and my symptoms to establish a connection that leads towards an Immune Disorder, to what extent? more tests are required. The doctor believes that even though my symptoms are serious and I am in pain, it all leads to a mild case that could be easily resolved by bringing the immune system back to functional and controlling the pain, that if no organs have been compromised. From what I have read, it takes years for organs like lungs, kidneys and heart to be touched by the Immune disorder and it usually happens when the disorder is left unattended. The fact that I am in awesome shape, that I am an "athlete" and that I beat my body up through exercise easily misleads anyone, it helps my case a lot too but if you see me wearing a bikini, under the sun of Margarita Island, you would never think I'm sick. Just imagine it, I come to you looking like the picture below and tell you how much my joints hurt and how sick I feel, what would you say? yeah right!

Sometimes what you see in me doesn't reflect how I feel, and I can't blame anyone for not knowing or understanding, at the end is my responsibility to let whoever I care about know how I feel and what I am going through, we are clear there!

Back to the blood tests, My cousin replied to my email this morning, she is a Rheumatologist (how many times have I said that already?). Her email very clear, she would like me to call her, she has questions and she sent a list of test that should be done to confirm the nature and extent of my disorder. She points out the good, the bad and the ugly.

1st The Rash has to be checked by a Dermatologist, that has been done, she doesn't know yet. If the dermatologist doesn't resolve the issue then it could be the famous "malar rash" and she can "take care" of that.

2nd She suggests that the joint pain I am experience could be Polyarthralgia (multiple joints pain) since inflammation is not present, but to confirm she needs more blood tests.

3rd The dry eyes are an important sign... ??? I read that some autoimmune disorders can attack the tear glands... Let me add here that I've suffering from dry itchy eyes for quiet a while now and my eyes are very sensitive to light, I wear sunglasses everywhere! I thought it could be allergies, something to do with the environment, never linked my dry eyes with anything else. I started using drops for allergies and the burning sensation was worse and actually didn't help, I then switched to eye drops to help soothe my eyes, did I ask the doctor? Of course not, didn't feel like being dismissed again with something so small like itchy eyes :-(

4th She advises that I certainly have "something" and it should checked carefully, it might nothing serious, but it has to be checked by a specialist.

This morning (Wednesday June 8th) I visited my family doctor to discuss a couple of things. He is sending me to see two specialists, he suggests that I calm down and relax a bit (seriously people, if someone else tells me to relax, I will loose it and chop a few heads, you are advised!) It gets me when people say: "Just relax" aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggggg I get it though, Stress doesn't help my case and it makes thing worse, I am working on controlling that, so please, people back up with the "relax" OK?

Why am I so stressed? My husbands gets to the point nicely: "she has reduced her physical activities to 10% of what she is used to due to all her problems and she has lost faith that there is someone in the system ready to listen and help". Exactly!

With the help of my doctor we got two referrals to get two more opinions from Rheumatologists here in Montreal and order more tests. The closest appointment, second week of July, thank goodness is not an emergency, so in the meantime I will focus on being an active participant towards my recovery process. I will eat better and make sure that I ingest all the nutrients my body needs, lately I am not hungry, all I want to eat is fruits, juices, nuts, small snacks and let's face it, that's not food, and with that anemia and low calcium in the game, I have to bring it up a notch and bring on the meat, green leafy veggies, all the yummy fruits and veggies I love, all wimpiness aside, Steaks hide! because I will be on the look out for you and I know where you are! In fact in my grocery bag today: A whole chicken, beef, sausages, broccoli, rappini, zucchini and other Innis that are very good for my health :-)

OK, I don't look like Barney Rubble (Pablo Marmol) and my doggie looks nothing like Dino but I found it funny, this is how I see meat sometimes LOL

Doctor suggested also that while we wait for the other Doctors to see me and rule out any crazy thing going on, I should rest and a lot, avoid forcing my joints and muscles in any way, avoid getting "tired", that means not abusing my body, example: If I do yoga in the morning, I can wait until the next day to do my running, I don't have to do Yoga, BJJ, Running, Budokon and Kickboxing in one day (really?), protect myself from the environment, example: don't play under the rain and don't stay under the sun for extended periods, wear a jacket if it's chilly and windy, control my stress levels, and rel... you know that word, I'll choose to pass it for now! My doctor sounded like he was on our side today and that felt good, still I have my doubts about western medicine. All I desire now is to find out what it is and to what extent I have been touched and from there work with Traditional Chinese Medicine, Therapeutic Yoga and Herbs to deal with this thing!  In fact, I already started, I met with my dear friend Antonella for a session of Therapeutic Yoga, it was awesome, it was soothing, we used props, lots of relaxing and restoratives postures, visualization exercises, and she gave me lots of love, how sweet, I felt so good after our session! We also spoke about other important things that I am still thinking about... Thanks Anto, you are amazing! And if you are in Montreal and would like to experience Yoga with Antonella, find her here: http://www.yogasanteplus.com/

The Chinese Herbs are still part of my everyday life, despite the taste but I hope they are working. Ethan is getting a nice long lists of all the news and updates that came out while he was gone, so I am sure that as of next week we will be working on it all, and I will be showing my face at Qi Gong  to replenishing healthy energy.

Today I had a full day, doctor's appointment, lunch with hubby (sweet), grocery shopping, vacuuming the house (I'm becoming more of a housewife and hubby likes that) and Zumba, yes! I went to Zumba to shake my booty and dance my heart away to the sounds of Latin Drums, on the menu: Salsa, Merengue, Cumbia, Samba and more... I love dancing and now more than ever I realize that I am in control when it comes to finding peace and happiness, doing what I love without other expectation than my own enjoyment and well being, nothing to prove, just being me and doing what I love.

And a special mention to hubby who has been more than amazing throughout this whole thing, I know he loves me and it feels good to know that he loves me so so much. I love you to honey!

And I don't look like Wilma (she needs dark curly hair and some B&B) but maybe hubs looks a bit like Fred LOL... not at all!

Looking forward the next posts, they will be filled with all my fun activities: Therapeutic Yoga, Qi Gong, Meditation and I'll throw some Dancing and running if I feel super energized after the steak LOL

"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me" Ayn Rand

A Second Opinion and... The sneezes again!!!!!

Let me start saying that I've been immersed in books, web pages and a sea of information regarding my blood test results and Immune Disorder. It all leads in that direction and so I'm preparing myself, at least mentally for the journey.

The second opinion comes from a client who is a Doctor, she had told me in the past, every time she saw me sick and after asking me specific questions about symptoms, that my condition looks like an Immune Disorder, like Lupus and she had recommended that I ask my Family Doctor for detailed blood test to rule out that possibility. Thursday we met and she looked at my blood tests and right away found the abnormalities mentioned before, and she even pointed out other problems that I couldn't recognize, of course I'm not a Doctor, and that my Family Doctor did not mention either. My immune system is "depressed" she mentions, and has me take pen and paper and write exactly what she is telling me so I can go back with that information and talk to the doctor. She explains that my white blood cells are very low and that the cells that fight bacteria and viruses are down and adding also that my calcium is low as well, it seems that everything is low, thank goodness for that perky bum, remember? At least that's up.... what a relief!

Now, seriously speaking, I am still working on two other appointments here in Montreal and copies of my blood tests are on the way to two doctors out of the country. Not sure what I'm looking for, I guess I just want to be sure, because in the very back of my head I still have that doubt that I might just be mental.

In the meantime, I am sneezing, bummer!!!!! it is not that bad but I am down a little bit, didn't sleep much last night thinking of so many things, like how am I going to deal with this? Am I going to make it to the end? Should I tell people or not? Which type of food am I going to buy and eat to help my immune system? Am I going to accept the medicines or am I going natural? Oh Gosh! so many things going on my head right now and let's add work and responsibilities to that. I am organizing a Budokon weekend with the Founder and Creator Cameron Shayne here in Montreal at the end of the month and even though I have done this successfully many times before , this time I am struggling a bit, with time management and organization, since at the same time I am dealing with my sickness. I know some people might say, forget about it, do what you can and that's all but that is not the way I do thing, when I commit to doing something I do it properly and I give my very best, this time my very best is a bit less that what people are used to get from me and that might disappoint them, oh well, it is what it is, I am doing my best, as long as I know that then I should be OK, right? As long as I don't disappoint myself!

Next week I am also going to see my friend Antonella who will walk me through some Yoga exercises that will help me. She is my very close friend, I have lots of love and respect for her. Her specialty is Therapeutic Yoga, she has worked with people with cancer and some of the likes and I trust her knowledge.
I have to say that it is a blessing being surrounded by such an amazing entourage, a loving husband that protects me and spoils me rotten, great friends that sincerely love and care for me, mommy and my family that even tough they are far they make themselves present everyday. I can't complain, I am loved and for that I'm grateful! Even though I have isolated myself and kept to myself during all this time, I know that I'm not alone and that I have amazing people around that truly care for me.

The next step for me is to get stable, to bring my immune system as high and strong as possible, to control the Anemia, low calcium and all the likes and once my systems is out of this wackiness then I can start resuming my normal activities, of course I have to be careful, can't be jumping around and depleting my body of energy or abuse in any way, just be more aware and careful. I mean, I don't party, don't drink alcohol regularly, I don't eat crap or unhealthy food but I do love to move! A good day for me would be for example: Early Yoga to start the day, from there drive to BJJ or Taekwondo to work and sweat like there is no tomorrow, go home, eat, take a nap and get ready to teach a 90 min Kickboxing Class in the evening, shower, eat, work on the computer and sleep. That's a regular day for me and I love when days go by like that. In the last year it has been hard to pull this days off, many times I got up kicking ass in my head but my body would not respond and no matter how hard I try it just refuses to go. So, sometimes I beat my self up for not being up to the task, thinking "Moni you're lazy, you are not working out hard enough, you are not dedicating the time it takes to get better at Budokon, Moni your performance has decreased, Moni you are just not good and not deserving of this and that"
Really, I just shut that head in my voice and whoever thinks that it has been easy, that I am not dedicating enough time to my practice or that think that I'm lazy and slacking off, can take the ride to recovering from an Immune Disorder with me. I would trade my place with them and let's see how they handle it! I don't wish this feeling onto anyone. It is hard but as I said before, I'm getting out this one way or another, I already made the decision, and there is no going back!
I have shared this news with very few people and I guess that I can't hide it forever. So today another big thing is get this out there, mostly for my loved people to understand what I am going through, so they know that it is not that I don't want to hang out with them or take the time to be more present. And for the other people to shut up and give me a break while I get my things together. It gets to me sometimes when people send me emails asking: "Why aren't you coming to BJJ?" Why aren't you coming to Karate?", " Where have you been?" "I see that you haven't been practicing, you can't move to the next level like that!"... That's it. I had enough! People give me a break!!!! Really, I can't move to the next level if I'm dead, so chill and let me chill a bit too, alright?

Today Saturday I'm sneezing and feeling like sh*t but I understand is part of the deal, I am not worry anymore thinking "Oh my gosh, again, what the heck, what did I do this time? It is just part of the process and until things get stable I will be sneezing and hurting, not for long, rest assured!

As you can imagine, I haven't add any miles to my running log, I've only been able to pull off Yoga and a bit of gentle Budokon.

I am bit sad because Ethan is gone, he left for a week, he helps a lot when he is around. So I might book a back massage with his partner and show up to Qi Gong next weeks to help my "Qi" flow and restore lost energy and health. I think that's a good idea :-) I feel better just thinking about it! And the next quote fits me nicely:

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me" Ayn Rand

As soon as I have news from the doctors will let you know, stay tuned!

Back to Traditional Chinese Medicine

Tuesday finally came and with it my appointment with the Chinese Doctor, yes I know he is not Chinese and he is not a Doctor, but to me he is so that's it!

I gave the news about the test results, he wasn't concern, in fact he doesn't seems overly concern about things and I find that extremely cool. Wish I could do that. He looks at the big picture rather than getting stuck on small details, offers immediate help through the treatments and I like talking to him, I can see that he has a lot of experience, hands-on experience. He says that the herbs that I'm taking will help with the Anemia and the rest of the problems, this herbs are basically nourishing my blood and I like how that sounds... and feels :-) by now I could tell that I am feeling much better.
I deliver the news that I'm almost finishing the Ovul... cough cough... ation process and that I have not been sick, and well it is Wednesday (technically Thursday since is past midnight and I'm still on the net reading and writing) and no sneezes to be seen, YAY!!!!! My heart is dancing!

I'm still drinking the soup, alright is not a soup, the magic potion, I like that! no wait... not liking the soup, just the magic potion thing. And from what I was told, will have to keep drinking it , two weeks of waiting for my bloody period (no pun intended) to arrive. After that we will switch to the powders/granules and cook the herbs when I need to shock/boost things up.

In this appointment I get a sweet back massage, my bum and hamstrings hurt a lot when he rolls his hands on them and I can't contain my OUCH OUCH OUCH which leads to a deeper massage, I breath deeply and the voice in my head starts "see what happens when you work your bum so much... it gets tight" and I thought that was a good thing, come on' people, seriously, who wants to see a saggy bum, not me for sure! He mentioned before something about the exercises I do for my rear end but we both forgot and for now I won't remind him. I'm not attached to looks but some things are important: Long Hair, White Teeth and a Round Perky Bum, no I'm not kidding!
Once the back is done, I turn around and have to pull my pants up, really up, I mean way up, to reveal my thighs and three needles get placed on each thigh, it hurts like hell and I cover my eyes, whine and voice out my regular "oh sh*t", I excuse myself for using such language, he doesn't care much, he is doing his job. My thighs hurts and I really feel the needles digging in and then the magic starts. I feel things happening around my legs, a bunch of mad ants walking all over there and sometimes I feel this "energy" going up and down my body. While the needles are working Ethan is also working, on my chest, my head, my neck while I close my eyes and relax. And BOOM! I feel something like an electric shock go down my spine all the way to my feet, I open my eyes and look at him for an answer, I don't need to talk, he knows and explains that it was intended, he found some "obstacles" in the way and had to get rid of it so my Qi could flow smoothly and do it's job, how cool is that? Totally cool!!!!
I'm left to relax some more with the needles in place and when he comes back, needles are removed, OUCH again, I am bleeding and when I look down at my thigh a bruise is there, I complain, he says "sorry", one of those "false sorry" I find it funny and the bruise totally worth it I think right there. Today I go to yoga in the park and well I'm not too happy about not only one but TWO bruises from the needles! so I don't wear shorts :-( Positive side? (there is always a positive side) there is a bruise on each side, symmetry! and well symmetry is beauty. I am so happy with my two bruises, one on each thigh :-)
At the end of the appointment, I am handed two cotton rolls to bite on and I think oh oh, cracking things up, last time I didn't get cracked so I thought it was over. He pulls my head a couple of times and up to now, that pull hasn't made any sound yet, I think is the only part we haven't been able to crack properly. Then he grabs my head and start working on my neck, I feel like he is going to take my head out of my body or break my neck with that move, I try to relax, and the sound comes, it is horrible for me, just the sound, it doesn't hurt but it causes and impression on me. And the boob squishing comes, he senses my fears and he comments "your favorite" I want to laugh... not really! both arms crossed over my chest and he pushes and cracks my back in three different spot, after that I feel like a rag doll, it is not good but I like it, hard to explain. Then I sit down , hands crossed behind my head and he is now on the table with his knees against my back cracking things up. I wonder if this is actually good for you or not.. I know it is!
I'm ready to go home, all smiles :-) I make another appointment, in two weeks!!!! Two weeks??? what am I going to do in two weeks, what if I get sick? oh my... I need my security blanket, my TCM blanket, I guess Qi Gong will be the answer. And well is not that bad. My appointment is for exactly the second day of my period, how convenient! I wonder if he planned that... hhhhhmmmmm I won't ask. And what's better, hubby is coming with me, he made an app to see Ethan and get a treatment for himself! Awesome! I like that :-)

The Big Mess...

I am feeling overwhelmed with information right now. After speaking to my Family Doctor and getting a copy of the blood tests results the previous one, 2009 (first studies) I discovered many abnormal things.
The results are not Borderline, they are POSITIVE!!!!!!!! And no one told me that!

That's not all, results were positive in 2009 and they are positive now!!!! not borderline, plain POSITIVE!!!
it is written, I can see it, this is serious!

The ANA Test

In 2009 after complaining for a while of pain in my joints, such pain that it prevented me from doing normal activities and some other symptoms, Scalp Rash that doesn't go away and today is still present, Insomnia, Anxiety, Depression, Allergies, Inability to fight colds and getting sick so often. The doctor ordered blood tests and sent to see an specialist, The Rheumatologist dismissed me without even doing the minimal test!
Today with the results of 2009 in my hands I see the ANA test is POSITIVE!!!! and no one told me about it, instead this Rheumatologist wrote a letter to my family doctor, I will quote the specialist and will add my own comments right after, just to show how incompetent and stupid, yes, stupid this doctor is, I'm so upset right now, and I know it doesn't help but I feel the urge to let it all out!
 Doctor: "... This pleasant lady was seen complaining of joint pains present since April 2009... she complains of vague aches in her joints..."
Vague aches!!!! Helloooooooo, It is serious freaking pain, to the point of going to the doctor because of it and to the point of reducing ,my normal activities due to the pain, also some days I can't even get out of bed due to this pain in my joints. People that know me well can attest that I am not a cry baby and if I say something hurts is because it hurts and a lot!  .. and seriously when was I ever pleasant?! LOL I have to laugh right? LOL
Doctor: ..."She takes no medication for this discomfort..." Helloooooooo, I DO take medication, have been taking for a while now and only God knows how bad that is for my system. I started with Naproxen 500mg, prescription, up to twice a day, then came Arthtrotec 500mg, again prescription, twice a day, and let's not talk about all the Advil, Tylenol, Ibuprofen and whatever shit I find on the pharmacy that I think might help.
Doctor: ..."The general physical exam and musculoskeletal exam were normal..." What exam????? This doctor didn't even check my fingers and I don't even remember him letting me talk about how I was feeling, he had the impression that because I am in Fitness Industry I'm beating my body up and well, I'm tired.
Doctor:..." I feel this results could be a False Positive Blood Test Result" EXCUSE ME, since when doctors "feel" ? what happened to science? what about taking two minutes to look further into my blood and body and listen to my complaints? I'm very unhappy right now, in fact I'm mad!!!!

No body told me about this positive ANA results in 2009, it seems that both my Family Doctor and the specialist ignored completely the signs. And in the meantime I am filling my system with Arthritis prescriptions, sleeping pills, Allergy pills, I'm also being treated for anxiety and depression and by the Dermatologist I am treated for a scalp rash that refuses to go away, my body doesn't fight viruses and bacteria and I get sick twice or more in a month, anemia, low blood pressure and somehow all that added to the ANA positive test would be enough material to make a diagnosis... Helloooo, somebody wake up!!!!

Now 2011 comes and I'm pushing harder for more tests because I WAS IN PAIN!!!! My joints are so painful that I had to reduce my training and my normal activities are hard to perform and if it is cold and damp forget it, I have trouble moving! And the doctor thinking that I'm tired and I beat my body up, well, I'm not tired and due to all the pain and inability to fight this annoying colds I can't train like I used to, I no longer lift weights, no more kickboxing, BJJ, Taekwondo or any strenuous activities on a regular basis like I used to. I went from 10-15 classes a week to only 5 and sometimes I can't even perform because I'm in pain, if I push too hard the next day I'll have a cold or a respiratory tract infection. I used to train my body 5 times a week, now I'm lucky if I make it to Yoga once or twice a week. Seriously I feel like an old lady about to cripple! In the last 2 and half years I have kept all this secret since I had come to believe that it was actually in my head, since my blood test said nothing serious (they did but nobody told me or paid attention) and my doctor insisted that I was fine, I just needed to relax a bit more, take a hot bath and an Advil... I don't take baths, I shower!!!
Well after checking the 2011 results, the ANA test came back POSITIVE!!!!! shit, same thing like 2009.
It is a big mess because I thought that the achy joints were due to my period, that the colds and all the rest were somehow linked to that and in a sea of so many symptoms in about 3 years things get lost in translation. I don't even make sense anymore!
The only reason why I am feeling better is because I'm taking TCM treatments and they really help, I'm not back to normal, whatever normal means but I am certainly feeling better.

I'm freaking out and had a serious conversation with my husband about it, I asked him to call our Family Doctor and explain exactly what I just explained to him. I asked Hubby to do it, because I was so overwhelmed with the information and upset at the incompetence of this practitioners that I couldn't articulate without breaking into tears. Hubby called and when hubby calls, people move and get serious, don't mess up with hubby, he knows how to move things around and since he was uninfluenced by emotions he could explain clear and much better than me the whole situation. My Family Doctor then decides to call the Rheumatologist, get my "charts" and check them himself, he finds out that things are serious. He called my husband and asked that I called him when I was not busy and had time to talk. I did, told him all I read about Lupus, told him that the Rheumatologist dismissed me once again even with all the evidence we had that there is a serious problem going on. I was concerned. I asked for a copy of my blood test (to send to my cousin, a Rheumatologist who lives in Spain) so I could get a second opinion.
By this time my Family Doctor feels the concern and strength in my voice and he starts asking questions like : "are you sleeping well?" Hellooo you forgot I've been treated for a "sleeping disorder"... Any rashes? Helloooo The rash in my scalp and face that won't go away and you sent me to the dermatologist to check! Any Pain? Colds? Allergies? aaaaarrrrrggggg don't you know I am going through all of it? was my reply!!! he asked many other questions that he was in the end answering himself. I am not mad at my family doctor, he is a good friend of the family and he has been very helpful many times. He says that since he left me in the hands of the specialist he trusted that the Rheumatologist was going to do a good job, but he didn't!
He offers the copy of all the tests and promises that now he is going to be careful and he is sending me to see someone else to get a serious opinion.

I am upset at the incompetence of this physicians, where did science go? In this first-world country, Canada, and with the amount of taxes we pay I expect to see people do their job, specially when it comes to the health of a human being. People say, "you have free medical care in Canada and that is awesome" No, is not! and is not free either, we pay for it and we pay lots of money for it! It takes months to get an appointment, unless you know someone that knows someone or unless you go private which is very expensive and then Doctors are so full with patients that they see you 5 minutes and then they want you out of the office. And if you need surgery, well, it better be a real emergency and you are about to die, otherwise you will wait for a looooooooong time. An MRI, forget it! 4-5 months waiting list or go private and pay $800 and the list goes on! The system is just wacked!

I called to make an appointment with the new Rheumatologist, he is supposed to be very good and I have another Rheumatologist on the list for a third opinion plus my cousin in Spain, with that I should get to the bottom of things, just for the diagnosis. As for treatment and options to get and feel better, I'm going somewhere else, yes you guessed right, there!

As for the Lupus itself or any Autoimmune Disease, I am not sad about it, I cried a bit here and there today and yesterday but it is more out of a combination of anger, joy, relief, a lot of emotions. I am finally in peace knowing that it is not in my head! That I am fighting something real and from here it could only get better. And yes, I'm mad at the incompetent Rheumatologist and a bit mad at My Family Doctor for not taking more time with me and not sticking to science. But in the end, the first Rheumatologist is out of the picture and my Family Doctor is now on board with this, he will do what it takes, that I am sure of, he has been through cancer three times and he knows how it is to be sick. And best of all, I have TCM and Ethan who I trust without reserves. If anything has changed in my health an attitude is thanks to Traditional Chinese Medicine and this wicked man that I've been lucky enough to meet! So, from here I can only get better and slowly reestablish my normal way of living. Sweet!

Next post, Qi Gong, Kung Fu, Acupuncture, Herbs... What I'm going to do to fix the big mess, it is obvious that Western Medicine is not up to the task, I will learn Chinese if I have to, and I will get out of this black cloud, I feel that I already have one foot out of it. Ready or not, here I come!!! Better be ready to come along or get out of my way!